Rin and the end of summer vacation ④ Rin’s Perspective
“Huh. You look surprised, don’t you? Did you think perhaps you would be kissed?”
I smile and say teasingly to him.
Immediately his cheeks flush and he turns his head away, complaining, “You’d think …… I’d think that if you were that …… close to me.”
Thank goodness…….
He looked like he had as much room as possible.
I move my body in the direction Towa-kun is facing and look into his face.
Then I put my index finger on his lips.
“I won’t use force. I want our first kiss to be a true memorial, so…”
Plainly and naturally …….
I struggle to hold back my fingers, which are about to tremble.
I try to be as bewitching …… and attractive …… as possible.
I try to make him think of me as much as possible …….
My body begins to bathe in heat as if resisting my resistance, and my face is so hot …… that I think I might have been splashed with hot water.
My heart is beating so fast and my pulse is surging so fast that it feels like it’s going to be strained …… to agitate me.
–Please calm down.
Please, please, please, …….
I didn’t realize how embarrassing it was to tell someone how I felt, and yet how much I felt for them.
“I don’t know what …… you mean by ‘memorial’.”
It is evident in his expression.
He is dyed red up to his ears, and you can tell that he is concerned about me, even though he is acting like a jerk.
……It’s really not honest.
Normally, I would say mischievously, ‘You have a cute side.’ but I shouldn’t say that now.
I swallow the words tightly.
“Now that I’ve said half of what I wanted to say, I feel better.”
I take his hand in mine.
After squeezing repeatedly, he finally squeezes my hand back.
“How much is half of it? ……. Rin is very strong, really…….”
“It’s not that I’m strong, it’s that I’m getting stronger.”
“Stronger ……?”
“That’s right.”
I am not a strong person by any means.
I just perform better than others and am more patient…….
There’s no way I’m not ashamed …… to do this.
But I think I can be strong for Towa-kun.
For him, who taught me to love someone ……, I can be strong.
So, I can’t let that shameful feeling of “embarrassment” get the better of me now.
I can’t end this attack like that.
If I stop making progress at this point, his presence will overflow and fall from my hand.
He will flap his tail like a goldfish, tear it and run away…….
So – I have to say it.
I have to tell him straight and in my own way.
I have to reach him, because he won’t change immediately.
I turn my back on him a little and calm myself down in the process.
I try not to shake my shoulders, so he can’t see me …… and breathe …….
“Towa-kun …”
“Yeah?”
“I have some idea, if only somewhat, of what is going on at Towa-kun’s household…….”
“I see. …… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“No. ……. I’m really helpless, I’m ……”
“… That’s not true.”
Towa-kun gently denies it.
But I felt a sense of resignation in his voice, as if he had given up.
“” …………………… “”
We both fall silent and an awkward atmosphere envelops us.
My chest began to tighten with unspeakable bitterness…….
I bite my lip and open my mouth.
“I have a ……. I can’t understand all of Towa-kun’s painful feelings, I’m sorry to say, but it’s impossible. I can’t say irresponsible things like ‘I would understand everything’ if I wasn’t the one involved.”
“Well, I guess you’re right. …… But that’s just the way it is.”
Towa-kun looks up at the sky with a self-mocking smile.
Looking at him, my heart becomes more and more painful.
Feelings that have been hurt over the years.
What are you suffering from?
What are you afraid of, what is at the root of it…….?
All of these – I will never be able to understand them all, even if I spend the rest of my life trying.
It is only natural …….
It is impossible for me, not having lived in a different environment and not having had a similar experience.
I want to be with you and think about it, but I can’t help you.
Just thinking about it makes me sad and painful …….
That is the thing – it is just so empty.
It is frustrating and even irritating.
I feel frustrated that I cannot fully understand the pain and loneliness that Towa-kun is feeling.
To say “I understand” would be arrogant and hypocritical, and would only cause him to doubt me.
So I will not utter it.
But ……, I don’t think there is anything I can do about it.
I gently stroke his lonely looking head.
Then I wait patiently until he turns his eyes toward me and …… continue to stroke him gently and tenderly.
When our eyes finally met, Towa-kun looked a little embarrassed.
“I want to get to know you.”
I hug him again.
More tightly than before so that he doesn’t know I’m shaking…..
Just hold him tighter and tighter.
“You want to …… know…”
“I don’t care if it’s about something I don’t know, or something that happened when you hung out with Kato-san. It can be something that Towa-kun thinks is natural or something philosophical. Anyway–“
I look him straight in the eye “…I want to know more about you.”
“It’s not always fun to know, and you may even want to cover your ears …….”
“I know that. But I still want to know……”
Surely, I may not be able to understand what I hear.
But I can try to understand.
“Knowing that, I want to be the one who understands Towa-kun the most.”
This is my wish, arrogant and greedy.
But I can’t help but wish.
“Understanding means …… you’re always reading my every move…….”
“That’s not what I meant.”
I gently deny Towa-kun’s words as he deliberately tries to divert the conversation.
He twisted his mouth awkwardly.
The bottom of the dark sea.
It is pitch black, and even if you try to struggle, you can’t surface.
Past traumas are like that……
So I have to pull him out as a light shining into it.
“I am determined to change …… you, no, I will change you.”
A shining future rather than a past that binds.
Not the past, but the present.
The past cannot be changed.
No matter how rich or wise you are, …… you can never change it.
It is the past that dwells in your mind for the rest of your life, and sometimes it is the past that makes you go on a wild goose chase …… and eat away at you.
But, you can overcome the past.
No matter how painful the past is, no matter how much it makes you want to cry, you can get over it.
However, there are many barriers to overcome, and they will not be broken by a half-hearted effort.
Even if you push yourself against the walls, you will get tired and run out of energy in the middle of the journey.
Even if you do break through, you don’t realize that the scattered pieces are still stuck in your body.
It remains as a lump and hurts you before you know it……
“You mean you want me to change. …… I feel like I’ve changed a lot already…….”
“I’ll change you more.”
“That’s bold, really…….”
“The two of us can do it.”
“I see…….”
Towa-kun listens silently, and I repeat the words in his …… ear as if I am gently speaking to him, as if admonishing him.
“I will chase after you even if you run away.”
“If you seem to be falling, I will support you.”
“If you need to cry, I will lend you my chest.”
“When you laugh, I will laugh with you.”
“Whatever hardship we face, we will break through it head on.”
I think there is something about it that resonates with him and breaks down barriers, just as it did with me.
I believe that I can push him to step on his feet and stagnate, that I can take him by the hand and walk with him.
I have to say here …… to him who looks up at the sky and refuses to show me his face.
It is the same thing I said before at the amusement park.
“I will teach Towa-kun how to fall in love. I’ll make you so full of love that you can’t think of anything else. And then…”
I move slightly away from Towa-kun and place my index finger on his chest as if I am holding a gun to his chest.
Then I declare.
But that is not a “be prepared” declaration.
It is not a declaration of war, as if I am challenging him to a battle.
It’s like my vow to “shoot for the heart”.
———— I am prepared.
“I will dye you in your own colors!”
End of summer vacation.
The sea at night is dark and black.
But that’s only at night.
Just as there is no night that does not end, the ocean will eventually regain its beautiful blue color.
Black can turn into a clear color.
Just like in the future…
