Traces of Guilt
“I can’t kiss you on the mouth, as expected.”
The lips that touched my cheek left it.
As I was stunned, she smiled and took my hand in hers.
Just a few moments earlier, I had been sleeping soundly.
Of course, no one must have been there at the moment I fell asleep. Perhaps it was while I was sleeping that Kurumizawa-san entered my room and snuck into my bed.
Moreover, she did not just sleep with me, but kissed me on the cheek.
Moreover, as she leaned in close to me, it was as if we were hugging each other.
He was holding my hand like a lover, and my body stiffened.
Kurumizawa-san’s thick, almost intoxicating scent emphasized her presence even more.
“I’m sure even Nakayama would be angry if I took away his first kiss, right? I don’t want to be hated, so I won’t go that far, but I don’t want to be forgotten, so I’ll leave a little scar.”
The whispered words were clearly directed at me.
She probably knows I’m awake.
“If you want to pretend to be asleep, so be it. You can pretend you didn’t notice tomorrow if you want. I’ll never mention it.”
With a mischievous laugh, she now reversed her grip and touched my lips. Her fingers tracing my lips were crawling like a snake.
“Now I’ve done all I can do. All that’s left is to pray and hope … that Nakayama will accept me, okay?”
The final onslaught was too intense.
She knows I’m awake. But I don’t want to open my eyes. I had to pretend to be asleep to get through this.
Because I didn’t know how to react.
Should I be angry? Should I be sad? Should I reject it?
I’ve said it many times, but I’m not an insensitive person.
I understand painfully Kurumizawa-san’s feelings of “I love you”.
It is difficult to return disgust to affection.
This is where my human nature comes out.
I’ve always been passive and let things happen as they come. I am unable to clearly express my intentions.
Because of this, when the time comes, I am unable to do anything.
I am truly a pathetic person.
(Shiho… really, I’m sorry.)
No matter how many times I apologized in my mind, I could not clear my mind.
The guilt I felt had become a “scar,” as Kurumizawa-san said, and was etched in my mind.
Come to think of it, once – Mary-san almost did something similar to me.
It was after the festival was over. When I said the discarded words ‘Suck it up’ in an empty classroom, she tried to kiss me in desperation.
If she had really kissed me then – I probably would not have been able to make proper eye contact with Shiho.
At that time, Shiho saved me in the nick of time.
But this time, that worst-case scenario became a reality.
“Nakayama … I don’t want to be the first. I’ve said it many times, but second is fine. If you share a little love with me, I will give you a lot of pleasure for it. My father, you know, has money… so I’ll take full advantage of it. If you want, you can think of me as your wallet. I’m just a convenient woman for Nakayama. I am not a very greedy person. I just want the right to be next to Nakayama. Other than that, I don’t want anything else.”
At once, Kurumizawa-san whispered sweet words like she was rambling on.
Then she got up and finally left the room.
In the end, I had nothing to say.
But my heart was hurting so much.
(Really… really, I’m sorry.)
The wound in my heart was bleeding and wouldn’t stop.
The scars of the guilt carved by Kurumizawa-san have remained unfaded…
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